Christmas on the Bayou

I have not had my fill of incredibly corny Christmas movies this holiday season. Luckily, the Lifetime Movie Network is always there to help. And if you also haven’t gotten your fill of corny holiday movies, here are my live thoughts on LMN’s Christmas on the Bayou. Spoilers obviously.

This is a long post, so I’m actually going to insert a “Read More” button for once. Click for my random thoughts as I watch this sure to be an instant classic Christmas movie.

Christmas on the Bayou

  • Girl is running, meets young boy. They lean in to kiss and then at the last minute the boy looks away. Girl walks away sadly as boy watches. This is incredibly dramatic. She’s going to meet him again and they’re going to fall in love. I know this already.
  • Single mom just promised to make it to her son’s soccer game. This is not going to end well. Son wants a father. Where is the young boy from the opening scene who is now a man when you need him??
  • Single mom is a busy woman who can’t hold open doors for the people behind her.
  • “Innovate! Adapt!” Single mom blows presentation and then says she has to run to her son’s soccer game. Wow single mom not so smooth or professional.
  • Single mom enters elevator with two people making out. They don’t stop making out. (??why was this included??)
  • “He lost all credibility when his parents named him Trax”. Preach it single mom.
  • Kid is upset that his mom doesn’t play soccer with him. Unclear how they’re going to do this in their big city apartment full of modern art.
  • The meaning of Christmas is getting your kid the tablet computer that they want so they don’t use yours and mess up your powerpoint presentations.
  • Oh hey it’s snowing.
  • Her boss seems to really like her, but why is unclear. She “has no style” and messes up at meetings and wants to miss the big office Christmas party.
  • Single mom and son drove from NYC to Louisiana overnight. Single mom’s driving skills must be cray-cray.
  • Single mom wears black skinny jeans and heels, but her southern mom wears cowboy boots. That’s how we know she’s *southern*.
  • CREEPY BLACK GIRL hiding in the woods and staring: “Better watch out, alligators love kids for breakfast”. What on Earth.
  • Little girl is less creepy now that she’s walked into the sunlight. She and son are are going to be friends probably.
  • Papa Noel = Santa Claus.
  • Little boy does not believe in Santa Claus.
  • Most realistic part of this movie – single mom and son are both on their devices ignoring everything.
  • “I have a really nice life in New York!” “Sure honey”. Grandma is not nice to Single Mom.
  • Single Mom did not miss the heat. Is it really that hot in December in Louisiana?
  • Grandma has money troubles.
  • Hahahaa “I can read you like a book!” “A good book I hope.” “I can’t get past the chapter on judging your daughter’s life choices.” Single Mom laying on the snark.
  • Grandma’s southern accent is oddly not southern?
  • In small towns everyone smiles and talks to people they don’t know. Being from NYC, Single Mom and son are not about that life.
  • Policeman. This is gonna be the young boy from the beginning. They literally run into each other. Single Mom clearly does not remember policeman at all but he remembers her?
  • Weird creepy old man staring at the boy. It’s probably Papa Noel. “He sees you when you’re sleeping… he knows when you’re awake… he’s creeping on you from behind the corner of the street…”
  • Wait SM (single mom) is just going to let her 7 year old hang out outside the store by himself? That seems like bad judgment. I’ve worked with 7 year olds. Leaving them alone is usually not a good idea.
  • Yes Policeman mention her husband so you can find out if she’s single. Awkward moment but Policeman is smiling because this means she’s single! I’ve also finally figured Single Mom’s name. It’s Katherine or Kaddy.
  • You can tell this is an old timey general store because the owner has an old fashioned cash register.
  • Kaddy is slowly getting back a vaguely southern accent.
  • Papa Noel rides in a boat pulled by alligators. Is this real folklore? Papa Noel is hardcore.
  • Kaddy is on the phone while talking to her mom (Grandma) again. This shows that Kaddy is a workaholic.
  • The diner table is set for 4 people. It’s gonna be Policeman. Calling it now.
  • Oh hey, look who was right. Kaddy still seems to not quite know who he is? Or does she? She’s not really happy to see him either way?
  • Policeman plays soccer with the son. Woohoo meet your new daddy!
  • Ah, Policeman has a name and it’s Caleb and Kaddy does not want to talk about him.
  • I don’t date because of my son, stahp pushing Caleb on me Mom. I’m focused on what my son wants!
  • Kaddy runs in the morning. Kaddy has more self control than I ever will. People who run early in the morning have sold their souls in exchange for the power to be morning people.
  • My mom’s prediction: Son gets saved by Caleb the policeman because son was an idiot and was probably going to get eaten by an alligator. Oh! Nope looks like Papa Noel is going to save son instead.
  • “You fell in the bayou in front of my house!” Papa Noel judges you and your bad decisions.
  • “Can I call my mom to come and get me?” Kid you’re like 2 minutes from your grandma’s house. You walked to the river and fell in.
  • “Your house is that way.” “But I thought it was that way!” “No. You thought wrong. I’m doing the thinking right now.” Papa Noel judges you hardcore.
  • “IS HE OKAY?” Your son is clearly fine, just kind of wet.
  • “I couldn’t take you to coffee so I took the coffee to you!” Wow smooth Caleb. But also you have no child skills who buys a coffee for a 7 year old.
  • The son likes it here. Even though all he’s done is play soccer, talk to a creepy girl, and fall into a bayou.
  • Grandma is still single because she still loves her dead husband. So much sadness.
  • No one is buying Grandma’s herbs from the general store. The owner is lying to her. Wow this store owner sells things aka buys them himself from needy people who want to sell things that no one actually wants to buy but he doesn’t want them to feel bad. That’s nice but not a great business model.
  • Caleb asked her out. Why is Kaddy reacting quite so angry for this? We’re going to argue playfully. Haha we’re so funny. We’re going to claim different sections of town that the other can’t go to hahaha wow.
  • Kaddy has a life plan that involves work and no man. Grandma needs to respect this and realize that there is more than one path to happiness.
  • Papa Noel makes toys wow shocker such a surprise it’s definitely not because this old man is Santa Claus.
  • Yes accept a drink from a stranger, good job kid. Papa Noel is judging the kid for wanting hot chocolate because Louisiana is just SO HOT in December.
  • Papa Noel turns water into hot chocolate. This is some New Testament style crazy. Also kid he literally turned water into hot chocolate in front of you if he tells you that he’s Santa, he’s probably not lying. How did you get so cynical 7 year old??
  • Caleb stop stalking Kaddy. It’s not cool dude. She said no. Verbal sparring!
  • Can everyone calm down about Kaddy doing work during the holidays?? She asked for vacation time at the last minute, it’s not weird to expect her to still cover some things.
  • If they throw her phone in the bayou I’m going to be so mad at them. Wow, Caleb and son didn’t but they did throw her phone. So mature.
  • Yes seduce women by stuffing their kids in your car until they agree to ride with you.
  • Wow creepy/ not creepy/ dressed like an angel girl from earlier has a good voice!
  • Son DOES NOT WANT TO BE IN THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT WOW SHOCKER
  • Caleb you are sleazy. You think you’re cool, but you’re not. Kaddy said to leave her alone, do the thing.
  • Wow story time: Grandma tried to get Caleb to take Kaddy to prom while her date was standing there. Grandma needs to chill out.
  • Caleb just asked Kaddy to go frog catching. And she’s actually excited about this? What? Is this a Louisiana thing?
  • We will now stare at each other longingly before we make out here in the woods.
  • “Caleb… I can’t.” “I know.”
  • They’ve both apologized to each other like five times. We get it, you’re sorry.
  • Apparently the guy playing Papa Noel is super famous. He used to be president of the Screen Actors Guild, and played the old man in UP. Fun fact.
  • “I never get the things I want.” You are so cynical for a 7 year old, who hurt you?
  • Last Christmas the son asked Santa to bring him his dad. Well I guess Santa hurt you. Sorry for doubting you kid.
  • No worries, Papa Noel is here to explain why sometimes we can’t get the things we want.
  • “They didn’t have baking soda so I just got baking powder it’s like the same thing right?” Kaddy is me right now.
  • Yes Caleb and son managed to hang Christmas lights on the entire house with no one noticing. Surprise!
  • Son is literally skipping. Do people actually do this? Like just skip around?
  • Caleb is taking Kaddy’s son and literally refuses to tell her where they’re going. This movie could so easily be a thriller movie if it had a different soundtrack and starred Liam Neeson.
  • Oh, son is going to try out for the pageant after all. To surprise his mom. But Caleb can’t go with him into the building because reasons?
  • Oh son’s name is Zack. Cool.
  • The kids are judging him. And now laughing at him. What is wrong with the judgemental people in this town.
  • Creepy/ not creepy now an Angel girl is nice and spunky. She should be in this movie more. If she were Kaddy’s child instead of Zack she would have pushed Caleb into the bayou and she and Kaddy would waltz back to NYC laughing.
  • Caleb is waiting but Zack isn’t going to come out of the building because he’s crying on his own probably. Or he fell in the bayou again.
  • Using his fine police skills, Caleb loses Zack. Good job. Refuse to tell Kaddy where you’re taking her son and then lose him. I think Caleb is trying to get Zack out of the way. If Zack is out of the way than Kaddy loses her reason for not being with Caleb. I see what’s really going on here.
  • Oh they found him. Whoop.
  • Kaddy’s childhood cat disappeared one day. This is a sad story. Wow, she wasn’t too sad about her cat vanishing, because she had made people friends by then. Kaddy didn’t deserve that cat.
  • Kaddy has gone to fix the general store man’s store. She set up a whole website for him and is going to get him using twitter. The old man doesn’t know what this means.
  • Kaddy finally has her hair down! I sense the costumer planned this. Her hair has been slowly been getting looser this whole movie to show how she’s becoming *free* in Louisiana.
  • Zack wants Papa Noel to make it snow for Christmas. Papa Noel: Dude it’s Louisiana the environmental consequences of that wish are bad.
  • Yeah what Christmas Pageant doesn’t have alligators? “There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus Christ?”
  • There are flying alligators over the stage. I might have paid more attention in church if our Christmas pageant had flying alligators.
  • Kaddy has not figured out that Zack is going to be in the pageant. She thinks she’s just been in the bathroom this whole time when he’s been getting ready backstage. How long does Zack normally take in the bathroom.
  • Angel girl has worn a different white dress and halo every time she has been on screen. Her closet is just full of little white dresses and halos.
  • Sing Zack! Papa Noel is watching you!
  • Wait is this a real Louisiana version of Up on the Rooftops? I have so many questions.
  • Yes that performance definitely deserves a standing ovation.
  • Caleb is taking Kaddy away into the night. Are they going to catch more frogs? Is he going to propose? Nope, it’s a boat covered in lights and has roses. FOR KADDY.
  • Dude, he’s been pining after Kaddy since he didn’t kiss her at like age 7.
  • “We’re buddies Caleb.” /blocked
  • You need to respect her boundaries. Kaddy opens up about her ex-husband leaving her. OMG Caleb – “I’m not him.” We know. Stop pushing Kaddy she has said she isn’t comfortable this isn’t a no means yes thing.
  • Zack dejectedly kicks the soccer ball on his own. Because he has no dad.
  • Wow, grandma trying to guilt Kaddy into being with Caleb. I support you Kaddy. Actually, this whole movie will gain so much respect in my eyes if Kaddy sticks to her guns and stays single until she’s ready. But I know that won’t happen.
  • The general store is suddenly doing great business because Kaddy is a marketing genius! Must be why they pay her the big bucks.
  • General store owner offers Kaddy a job in his store. Because I’m sure being an assistant in a general store pays better than her job in NYC.
  • The doorbell?! Who could it be?!? It’s Caleb aka “I can’t respect normal boundaries.” He’s brought Kaddy a Christmas present. It’s one of those tablets that Zack wanted so badly.
  • Wow was that an uncomfortable face Kaddy. I can feel how uncomfortable you and I’m sorry.
  • “You’re a really good man Caleb.”No he’s not he doesn’t respect you Kaddy. He’s clearly waiting for an invite inside the house like some sort of vampire.
  • They’ll have to leave and go back to NYC because Kaddy has to work on Christmas. But Zack overheard and is going to run away to Papa Noel’s cabin shack. Papa Noel is not there, but he has left Zack a present. I hope it’s a cat like Papa Noel got his mom. It’s a rustic man riding in a boat pulled by an alligator??
  • Kaddy is not pleased that Zack ran off. Kaddy got a promotion! Zack is angry because he wants more time with Kaddy, but really he’s throwing a tantrum which is just always unpleasant. “All I want for Christmas is more time with you.” Yeah kid, but you’ve got a single mom who is working hard to be able to provide for you and clearly loves you. Also two minutes ago all you wanted for Christmas was a tablet computer.
  • “It’s always okay to do the things that make you happy.” I’d say not all the time, because things like murder and stuff are bad but you know okay.
  • Caleb is skipping the bonfire because he’s SO SAD that Kaddy doesn’t love him.
  • Really Kaddy you say you love your job in NYC where you just got a promotion but that you’re going to take the job as the assistant in a general store in a small town. Okay. Sure.
  • Grandma is going to be happy about this. I’m mad because she isn’t excited about the idea that Kaddy got promoted and only becomes supportive when Kaddy says she’s taking a job in Louisiana.
  • Kaddy bought half of the general store, so I guess she’s a co-owner now. But that’s still really a step down in the world Kaddy.
  • Little angel is still wearing an angel dress and halo. Hard to tell if it’s a different one this time.
  • Yes calling your boss to quit on Christmas Eve when you know he’s going to be working Christmas Day is totally chill and not at all a terrible thing to do to someone.
  • “Do you want to take a walk with me?” That’s code for “let’s go catch frogs and make out” I’m catching on to you Louisiana slang.
  • Dang it Kaddy, looks like you’re going to take on Caleb after all. This is a 180 turn. Don’t claim you want to be here because of your mom, your mom has been terrible and un-supportive of you this entire movie.
  • Oh here comes Papa Noel on his boat drawn by alligators. Again, is this a real thing? Should I plan to visit Louisiana at Christmas so I can see this??

There you have it folks, a play by play of Christmas on the Bayou. It was as corny and Christmas-y as I could have hoped and I am left with so many unanswered questions. Does Louisiana actually have a version of Santa Claus named Pere/ Papa Noel who rides in a boat pulled by alligators? Is Louisiana actually warm enough in December for everyone to run around in short sleeves and complain about how hot it is? Is this kind of movie the reason that some guys don’t understand that no means no and not keep showing up at my house and stealing my son?

If this doesn’t make you excited for Christmas I don’t know what will.

Stay magical readers!

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