Dear Dumb World: Public Bathrooms

Dear strangers who use the women’s restroom,

There is really no need for you to hover over the seat. I assume you do so because you are worried about the seat being dirty. By hovering over the seat you get pee on it, which then fulfills your worry about the seat being dirty. A modest suggestion: if you aren’t going to sit on the seat, put the seat up before use.

Dear owners of single stall public restrooms,

If your bathrooms are single occupancy, why do you need to label one male and one female? They are small rooms with a door that locks and each have a toilet and a sink. Nothing about that needs to be gendered. It’s silly for someone to wait in line for the bathroom marked for their gender while the other bathroom sits empty. Make them both unisex and be done with it.

Dear people who put hand dryers in bathrooms instead of paper towels,

Hand dryers are a breeding ground for bacteria and don’t even get your hands dry. They just warm your hands before you inevitably have to wipe them on your pants.

Dear people who stand on the toilet seat,

I’m not sure what you’re doing, but sometimes I see footprints on the seat and that just seems unnecessary.

Dear people who don’t have trashcans in their bathrooms,

Do you never need to throw away things that can’t be flushed? This is particularly pertinent in women’s restrooms. What are women supposed to do, stick blood soaked feminine products in their purses to throw away later??

Dear public restroom that I stopped at in China that was a hole in the ground with no door on the stall, and blood and feces smeared on the floor, walls, and ceiling,

I have nightmares about you.

Dear people who complain about port-a-johns,

Well at least port-a-johns have seats and doors, and don’t blood and feces smeared on the floor, walls, and ceiling. Puts things in perspective, doesn’t it?

Dear people who don’t wash their hands,


Dear creators of automatic sinks,

Automatic sinks are a great idea in theory. They reduce germs and water waste. Except that you usually stand there like an idiot waving your hands under the faucet before finally moving to the sink next to you, because you just can’t get the water to turn on.

Dear people who graffiti bathroom stalls,

The fact that you brought a pen with you to the bathroom also seems to imply that the act was premeditated. But why do you want your name on the door of a public bathroom that badly? I’m really not sure what you’re trying to accomplish here.

Dear person who transcribed whole poems onto the stall walls of my college’s English department bathrooms,

How much free time do you have if you’re copying poems down onto the wall in the bathroom? But thanks I guess? It was classy as far as graffiti goes and I was sad when they renovated the bathrooms and we no longer had poems on the walls.

Dear designers of bathroom stalls,

Why is the there always a gap between the door and the frame? I don’t understand why technology in the United States hasn’t progressed enough that we don’t have a one inch gap around the door where you try really hard to pretend you totally can’t see the person in the stall on the toilet. I’ve traveled a lot this past year and guess what – in other countries they don’t have this problem, their doors fit snug up against the stall frame. America, get with it.

Katie&Cat -Stay Magical Readers

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